Is that what art is? To be touched thinking what we feel is ours when, in the end, it was someone else, in longing, that finds us? - Ocean Vuong, On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous
In “The Problem of Marital Loneliness”, Professor Agnes Callard discusses Ingmar Bergman’s “Scenes from a Marriage”, which is about a couple trying and failing to connect throughout their marriage. Other works of art that I think do this well are The Study of Animal Languages and Normal People. In “Scenes from a Marriage”, the disconnection leads to a disconnection from reality — by lack of interest or acknowledgement, their spouse invalidates their own reality.
In “The Problem of Marital Loneliness”, Callard draws from her own life as well. A line that stood out to me was
Recently, I tried to spark a debate: Why isn’t it permissible to walk up to strangers and ask them philosophical questions? As I probed for the deeper meaning behind this prohibition, my husband was frustrated by my ignoring the obvious: “Literally no one but you wants do that!”
Callard and her husband are both professors of ancient philosophy, though they have different aims with it. In this exchange, they talk past each other — he answers the question but it’s not what she’s looking for. He dismisses the premise and she is after the discussion. She yearns to be Socrates in the public square — and she finds herself alone. When she reaches a hand out in excitement, he reminds her, “literally no one but you wants to do that.”
I came across Callard’s essay in trying to answer my own question — “What makes a successful marriage?”
I read studies from data scientists, books by successful couples, and thought about the couples I admired in my own life. The only answer I found to the question was no answer. Besides wealth (like all things in life), the most significant variable in the model predicting a couple’s current happiness was their happiness prior to meeting the other person. At the end, I concluded that a successful marriage was a tautology. People who believed their partner was the partner for them and believed in the success of the marriage had successful marriages.
I think about Michelle Obama’s stubbornness in her own marriage
Young couples, they face these challenges and they’re ready to give up because they think they’re broken…
And I just want to say, look, if that breaks a marriage, then Barack and I have been broken off and on, throughout our marriage, but we have a very strong marriage. And if I had given up on it, if I had walked away from it, in those tough times, then I would’ve missed all the beauty that was there as well.
I love that Michelle did this — that she went on media and talked about her real story. Because, on the outside, she and Barack are clearly in love and happy. And she could have easily perpetuated that narrative — it’s a marker of success to be in a successful relationship. But she told her story to run counter to the romantic aspirations that cling to chick flicks and poster boards and media screens. Michelle says, yea we aren’t always in sync. And we had ten hard years when I wanted to leave the marriage. And I love our marriage.
I don’t think everyone has to endure 10 years of a marriage where they want to leave. However, I see people all around me who are reluctant to commit to a relationship for the fear of it not working out. And it’s sort of comforting to know it doesn’t have to be perfect — to be wonderful — for you to be happy :)
Back to the problem of marital loneliness. If I had to describe the perfect life partner, it would be “someone who never makes me feel lonely”, loneliness as alienation in the presence of someone else, rather than being alone in solitude (which I enjoy).
Ava, another public philosopher, expresses it like
In relationships I want to be heavily enmeshed, and I want to be understood, and I want to understand. I don’t want to be an island—I spend the rest of my life being an island.
But the follow up question is — is the solution to loneliness one person?
I don’t think it should be.
To depend on one person to fulfill all emotional, social, and physical needs puts too much pressure on that person. People should be free to be themselves, and people should be free to change.
Similarly, I don’t think it’s healthy to solely depend on a job or a sport to fulfill happiness (though these are easier to control than another human being). After my jiu jitsu professor won Silver in Pans, he told me, “I thought this was what I wanted. This was it. But I got the medal…and I just felt empty”.
In discussing the condition of “ontological” anxiousness, Esther Perel writes in Mating in Captivity
Love, beyond providing emotional sustenance, compassion, and companionship, is now expected to act as a panacea for existential aloneness as well. We look to our partner as a bulwark against the vicissitudes of modern life. It is not that our human insecurity is greater today than in earlier times. In fact, quite the contrary may be true. What is different is that modern life has deprived us of our traditional resources, and has created a situation in which we turn to one person for the protection and emotional connections that a multitude of social networks used to provide…
We live miles away from our families, no longer know our childhood friends, and are regularly uprooted and transplanted. All this discontinuity has a cumulative effect. We bring to our romantic relationships an almost unbearable existential vulnerability—as if love itself weren’t dangerous enough.
All this may seem to advocate for settling, but in reality, it is absolutely freeing — that I don’t need my parter to be the bulwark against my loneliness, to be all things at all times, because — I already have everything I need.
In the most recent expose on Professor Callard’s philosophical marital project, she talks through the possibility of “unbundling” her marriage and opening it up. I’m not super qualified to address this topic, but a few of my close friends are in open relationships and I have learned a lot from them and from reading texts. I think there are many misconceptions about non-monogamy — I’m generally in favor but think people entering it do not always know the work involved or have the right mindset. Perhaps more radically, I think even monogamous relationships could benefit from trying to cultivate more of this mindset. For while there has been a lot of work put into solving the problems of ethical non-monogamy, there has not been the same logical rigor applied to ethical monogamy. Monogamy, too, has jealousy and desire. Monogamy, too, has expectations (perhaps implicit) between those involved. And these can be violated, not only with a consuming relationship with another person but also a consuming relationship with drugs, or work, or sports. Couples are not given tools to be honest and deal with it. At the end of the day, feelings are not wrong because they are facts — the state of one mind — that can be talked about, or dwelled upon, or noticed and let go.
Furthermore, even in monogamy one person cannot be everything for another person. Again, from Michelle Obama in The Light We Carry
No one person, no one relationship will fulfill your every need
I used to think that partners should share your primary interests. They should talk with you about your passions and be your partner in the activities you loved. But this does not need to be the case.
I want to go even farther. So many people struggle to live in their grandparents’ version of monogamy, when we live in a very different situation than they did. But we should not need to choose between the existing heteronormative models, to be trapped between marriage and divorce and open marriage.
Maybe the person you want to raise children with is not the person you’re attracted to. Maybe it’s your sister. And maybe you can’t live with one person — you’d rather live with a group of friends. Maybe the first person you turn to for solace is your mother. And maybe your plus 1 at weddings is your best friend — because your partner hates dancing but she has the time of her life :)
In normalizing non-couples to do these activities, we also lift up those who are single. While everyone goes through single periods, we have made Being Single in America hard. Social events are harder. Raising children is harder. Homeownership is harder. Going on vacation is harder. Doing household chores takes more time. And at every point the media/family/social circle implicitly or explicitly reminds the single person what they’re missing. But the truth is, it’s not necessary to have a romantic partner to do a lot of those things. And it’s not necessary to do all those things with a romantic partner.
This is an unusual sort of love letter. But nonetheless it is.
To my sibling, who showed me there was a different way to live.
My parents, who showed me unconditional love so I could pass it on.
My friends — single, married, and in between. I am celebrating a five-year anniversary with a friend this week. We’re going on adventures :) And if you’d told my childhood self that someday I would have this relationship(!) — I would have cried.
My partner, who has said my best and worst trait is my honesty. With whom I debate and discuss every topic under the sun. Who I laugh with every day. It has been nine years. I love you.